Reflections on Personal Growth and Inner Alchemy

This AI transcription/summary was created on @November 22, 2023. Listen to the original recording here.


The speaker shares their experiences with daily meditation, spiritual practice, and the importance of aligning intentions with actions for personal transformation. They express gratitude for the opportunities to grow and the unconditional love they've received through life. The speaker discusses their struggles from childhood conditioning, their goal to truly transform and align actions with mental states, and the belief in energetic change that can lead to deeper self-realization and fulfillment. They touch upon the need for intentional living and the aim to prove the possibility of inner alchemy.


Right now I'm sitting in meditation and normally I would use this time to go through a prayer, a sort of mantra, and then pick a point of concentration in order to align my mind and kind of generate a certain focusing electricity. My word choice might not make sense for many people, but I rarely talk about this part of my practice or my life. It's just something that I do and have been doing consistently every single day for over three years now. And before that I did it inconsistently, but all in all I've had some sort of meditation or spiritual practice, some sort of mindfulness practice.

For me the spiritual fascination actually came before the mindfulness, but I've had some sort of mindfulness practice since I was 19. Anyway, I thought today I would change it up a bit and actually align myself with the day, the upcoming day, through speaking it out. Because speaking is such a catharsis when I can go a whole day without actually engaging with another human. It's just in the nature of it's just in the nature of having a solo studio practice, especially during these days when I'm very behind on building out the infrastructure for my upcoming career and public launch.

And public rebranding. Okay. So I'm going to start this message with a deep message of gratitude. I feel in all honesty that the kind of life I've lived has been an absolute rarity, an absolute gift and blessing.

And the way I would describe my life is one of a soft but strict denial of every attempt that I've made to fit in and be normal. And it's almost like an expedited, I mean, it's been very prolongated, but in its own way, an expedited and gently enforced protection from the conditioning factors of normal quote unquote normal adult life. Now, I had extreme conditioning as a kid, which really broke me in many ways. Well, maybe it didn't break me completely, but it definitely shut me up.

And I think what I'm overcoming right now is, I think my childhood explains so much. And yet, I've now been on this planet for 35 years. And it is my goal, especially this year. It's been my goal for many years now.

But especially this year, it's to And to really enter into a new phase of my life where I am transformed, where I've gone through the gauntlet, another one of life's gauntlets, life's many gauntlets. And the way that I'm doing that is really tackling head on the behavior that I express every day and every moment. Because the mind has no energy, really, for transformation, the mind in its perfected state is really just a perfect analytic tool. But real transformation comes when actions have actually changed the structures of the body.

And those structures are physical. So actual muscular skeletal changes are one aspect. But those changes are also energetic, electromagnetic. And I don't profess to even understand really what that means.

Although, in general, I have a deep, deep, deep suspicion, kind of felt understanding or felt impression that and this is this is informed by a lot of the reading that I've done kind of offhand reading, that there are information fields that are very much connected to our physical structure, but they also are of a nature that is invisible and not discernible to the kinds of instruments we use to understand structures generally. And those structures hold these patterns that are kind of shaping how let's let's take the example of, you know, cells being completely replaced within seven years. They still take, they still follow on from some sequence, there's a really, really almost deterministic patterning and rhythm and rhythm in the way that our bodies maintain homeostasis or they maintain some sort of consistency from moment to moment, which means that even after seven years, a lot of the problems that we had become exacerbated or they grow in their stubbornness. And so a big part of what I'm hoping to experience in this lifetime is an actual transformation of these structures to experience real fluidity, real pivoting, real, I really don't think there's a better word than transformation

or let's say inner alchemy.

And I also know that those things happen through a kind of initiation or gauntlet experience. And I would like to show up as much as possible for myself in that. I also know there will come a time when I probably need to be surrounded more by people who are who are really engaged in the same thing. The same thing being that inner alchemy or transformation, I don't mean interest in like a vocation or something.

I just want to report that I'm having an experience right now of this kind of alignment, which doesn't happen so often these days. It used to happen a lot when I was a kid. It's my eyes are closed and I have this feeling that everything is super, super, super pressed up close to my face, that I'm kind of experiencing an orb, an orb of like reality is kind of orbed itself. And the noise that would normally be present when one's eyes are closed has shaped into a kind of immersive geometry.

And it's, it's, it's 3D, but I'm in it and I am of it. And it is distorting my perception in a way. But, but I wouldn't say distortion because it has a bad connotation. It's more like it is refining my perception to the point that I really feel that I'm in some kind of shape that is regular and symmetric.

And maybe this doesn't happen to many people. It has happened to me in moments of clarity and moments of grounding. And when I was a kid, it would happen before I would go to sleep like every night and it freaked me out. But these days I recognize it as a, as a, as a signpost that, you know, I'm, I'm truly being present in this moment.

I also think maybe there's something to do with my aphantasia and the fact that I don't actually have any images when I close my eyes. And so that gives me a kind of acuity to these experiences, these types of, of visual embodied experiences, or let's say embodied experiences that don't have a visual component, but there's a feeling that generates a, it's almost like a visual parallel. Like there's something visual about it, but it's completely undefinable from just a visual standpoint or description. This experience also transforms itself.

It goes from being this kind of feeling like everything is pressed up close to my face to then feeling infinitesimally small. And then sometimes there is a point of focus, but then I zoom into it and it's a really, really trippy to be honest. And I'm still having it right now. Okay.

So going back to, yeah, the, the kind of catalyst for transformation and inner alchemy, I am putting up a lot of guardrails and structures to help myself move through what is going to be a tough period. Like these things don't happen naturally. And that's the whole point of having people around you who can push you, who can show you how much more you're capable of, who can hold you accountable and the crucible. Yeah.

So I'm trying to give myself as much of those structures as possible because there are a lot of tools that kind of feign that accountability and that structuring. And that's what 2024 is for me. And I've, you know, I've had many years now, I would say four at least, or five years of maybe even five of really working towards alignment, thinking about which timeline I'm on, what would be an automatic result and what would be an intentional manifestation. And a lot of it was cerebral.

A lot of it was also kind of emotional, emotional kindness to myself. Like the, going back to that sense of gratitude, it's really a sense of gratitude at having had so many chances to fuck up and yet I'm still here and I have my health and I have my friends, I have my support. I have people who care about me. Like, even though I feel that I've been so unstable in this mesh of relationships and to myself and to others and to the world, I'm still shown this kind of unconditional care.

And I think that is such a rare experience in the reality layer that we find ourselves in. I think it is, I think that unconditional love is actually fundamental to why we're even alive today. But I think the day to day of being a human in these social and civilizing networks, it can be very hard to feel unconditionally loved. And yet, because I feel that and because I've kind of like tested it over and over and over again to like really see if it's true and it's held up, it puts me in a quite a interesting place, quite a powerful place because in a way, my energetic field, even though I can't see it, even though I sometimes fight against it, it seems to have baked into it.

This optimism and this deep sense of belonging in a reality structure that is kind and loving. And, you know, what we eat, what we think, all kind of affects and evolves this field slowly over time. Mine has gotten stronger and I've grown more grateful because of the daily showing up in the daily practice. It can withstand a lot.

And I feel like I'm entering into a period of my life where it's time to actually turn that outwards and become a beacon of that field and also allow it to amplify and find resonance with others who share that energetic field. Right now, I live in a situation where I don't. There are certain people that I have who can amplify that, but in terms of like a daily kind of amping up or ramping up, I don't have that in my life right now. And I know that there's also a point to that, that there's a desire for me to kind of self-generate that field.

And, you know, regardless of what is in my immediate reality, to find a connection that transcends space and time. And that means that I've chosen to kind of put myself into relationship with place. So that being Germany, with person, that being Max, where there's, again, a deeper shared reality, which is the reality of this is a safe space and this is a good place, an honest place, a place of integrity. And yet on the surface, there's kind of an energetic mismatch where I'm like, Hmm, I'm not getting the kind of support that would, you know, make me like dance every day.

But I don't think that that's necessary. And that's why I've chosen to stay in this. And that's also why I think the universe has put me in this and why I'm okay with it. Because this energetic field is, again, non temporal, non spatial, and therefore, it takes intention, like, what we're working with now, instead of being directed is the intention to find those points of connection, the intention to create that global energy grid that connects this kind of unconditional love and optimism throughout the world.

Because if we just do it in our own homes, you know, we can become a node in the network, and maybe some someone else will connect into us. But who is that other thing? We have no say, because we're so involved in our own kind of utopia. We have no say if it's being leveraged for good or for bad, to put it, you know, in polarizing terms.

Instead, we have to hone our intention. And so the first part of my life was really about flow and, and letting things happen as they would and kind of understanding the patterns, seeing the patterns. The second part is, is intending the patterns is orchestrating the patterns. And it's a big shift for me, it is really like, I am up against myself in this, and I have a lot of blocks.

But I know that that's the way forward. And I know that proving the possibility of inner alchemy is the purpose of my life, really, it's to prove that I can change to prove that I can grow and to prove that I can switch from being receptive to proactive, and then reconcilio, reconciliary, if that's even a word, and combining all those forces within myself and therefore, making myself whole again.

Additional Info

Main Points

  • The speaker has a daily meditation practice which has been consistent for over three years.
  • They feel strongly about aligning their day with their intentions and using speech as a means of catharsis.
  • They express a deep gratitude for their unique life experiences and the feeling of being protected from normal adult conditioning.
  • Personal transformation is a key goal for the speaker, focusing on changing actions, bodily structures, and the energetic field.
  • The speaker has experienced visual and embodied perceptual changes during meditation, linking them to aphantasia and their unique meditation experiences.
  • They detail their planning to navigate a period of intense personal transformation, emphasizing intentionality and structure.
  • A significant part of their life has been about recognizing patterns and the move towards actively orchestrating these patterns.
  • The speaker believes unconditional love is fundamental but rare, and they feel fortunate to have experienced it consistently.
  • They stress the importance of creating an energetic field that resonates with others to foster a global positive impact.
  • The speaker is in a reflective and transitional phase, aiming to prove the possibility and power of inner alchemy.

Stories and Examples

  • The speaker recounted how they have practiced some form of meditation or mindfulness since the age of 19, evolving from spiritual fascination to intentional living.
  • They shared a personal transformation goal in response to struggles with childhood conditioning, aiming to change their behavioral patterns and physical, electromagnetic structures.
  • A detailed description of a profound meditation experience was given, where perceptual changes were likened to immersive geometry, with the speaker feeling in a state of presence.
  • The speaker explained their approach to navigating transformation, using structures and guardrails to facilitate growth during challenging periods.
  • The speaker recalled an upbringing filled with opportunities for recovery and growth, acknowledging the rarity and preciousness of unconditional love and support.

References and Citations

  • Meditation and spiritual practices as tools for personal transformation.
  • The concept of aphantasia and its potential effects on perceptual experiences.
  • The speaker's mentioning of cellular regeneration within seven years as part of bodily homeostasis.
  • Inner alchemy as a means to personal transformation, implying historical and cultural frameworks for understanding change.
  • The idea of constructing an energetic field based on unconditional love, impacting both personal presence and broader interconnectedness.

Potential Action Items

Apply the insights from the speaker's experiences to assess and potentially revise one's own meditation practice (2023-11-23)
Consider the role of gratitude in personal well-being and apply it to one's life (2023-11-23)
Reflect on one's childhood experiences and their impact on current behaviors and attitudes (2023-11-23)
Identify and address personal blocks that may hinder proactive transformation (2023-11-23)
Establish and maintain personal support structures to aid in pursuing intentional life patterns (2023-11-23)

Follow-Up Questions

  • How does the speaker specifically align their meditation practice with their daily intentions?
  • In what ways has the speaker's feelings of gratitude affected their approach to life?
  • What methods does the speaker use to tackle changes in physical and energetic body structures?
  • Can the speaker provide more detail on how they have recognized and intended patterns in their life?
  • What specific practices or actions do they recommend to cultivate an energetic field that resonates with others?

Arguments and Areas for Improvement

These are potential arguments and rebuttals that other people may bring up in response to the transcript. Like every other part of this summary document, factual accuracy is not guaranteed.
  • One could argue that the experiences of perceptual changes during meditation could be purely subjective and not indicative of any actual transformation.
  • There may be skepticism around the idea of energetic fields, given they are not widely recognized or measured by current scientific standards.
  • The belief in unconditional love as a fundamental aspect of existence might be challenged as overly idealistic or unproven.
  • The emphasis on gratitude as a rare experience could be contested; some might argue it's a common aspect of many people's lives.
  • The notion of intentional living affecting physical and electromagnetic structures could be seen as lacking empirical evidence.

Related Topics

  • childhood conditioning and trauma
  • concepts of inner alchemy and self-realization
  • energetic fields and emotional well-being
  • gratitude and mindfulness
  • intentional living and lifestyle changes
  • meditation practices
  • personal transformation
  • spiritual development
  • the phenomenon of aphantasia
  • the role of social support in personal growth


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